Beyond People-Pleasing: Set Boundaries & End Burnout Without Guilt

In this episode, Megan Devito discusses the challenges of people pleasing, especially during the holiday season. She shares mindset shifts to help listeners break free from the cycle of overwhelming obligations and learn to say no without guilt. 

The conversation emphasizes the importance of understanding personal values, calming the nervous system, and setting healthy boundaries to maintain emotional well-being and enjoy the holidays without stress.

Takeaways

• You can be kind without sacrificing your own needs.
• Understanding your values is crucial for setting boundaries.
• People pleasing often stems from fear and anxiety.
• It's important to prioritize your mental and emotional health.
• You can enjoy social situations without feeling overwhelmed.
• Setting boundaries can lead to more fulfilling relationships.
• Calming your nervous system helps in social interactions.
• You don't have to explain your choices to others.
• Finding joy in the holiday season is possible without overcommitting.
• Tools like the Calm Communicator Guide can help navigate difficult conversations.

Thanks for listening!

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Transcript

Hey there, welcome back. You know what? I know you want to be helpful and kind and a good friend or daughter or sister or mom and all of those things are wonderful. But what happens when you're overwhelmed and burned out trying to keep up with everybody else's requests? How do you say no to the people you love and care about the most? And maybe even scarier, how do you say no to your boss and your coworkers?

We're entering the holiday season where there are social obligations, end of the year goals, parties, expectations, some that are yours and some that belong to other people. And in this episode, I am gonna share mindset shifts that you can use to move beyond people pleasing so that you and other people in your life can enjoy all of the celebrating and the success and being together without resentment, overwhelm or completely breaking yourself down and breaking your boundaries.

If we've not met before, I'm Megan Devito. I'm a certified coach who helps successful, motivated women break free from burnout and anxiety so that they can experience calm confidence at work, set boundaries that actually stick, and finally have the energy and peace of mind to be fully present for the people and the problems that matter most to them. 

Let's talk about that desire that you have to be really amazing at work, but also at home for a minute. To have happy clients who are getting all the results that you provide in your business, to having thriving kids who are at college living their lives, building their futures, maybe they're high school athletes, maybe they're still little and they're just excited to have you around. You wanna have a perfect house and plenty of time, energy and money and of course confidence to feel like you're pulling it all off. But in reality, what happens is that we try to do everything often bending over backwards to help please other people. Maybe we're doing it so that they can tell us we're doing a good job because we feel we need that recognition or that praise, or maybe you're doing it because you want to raise. That's great. Or maybe you do it because it feels expected. 

This is often a learned behavior that we've picked up from our family. Maybe as a kid, you heard that you should be a good girl, that you should always be giving to other people, that it was better to give than to receive or that you should feel blessed. All of those things can be true. And that doesn't mean you have to break your own boundaries or people please. Maybe you learned it from your neighbors who they had a different life than you and you saw them as something that you wanted to achieve. Or maybe you just picked it up on media. Social media teaches us all kinds of things that might be true or might actually be damaging to our lives, our mental health, our physical health. 

But what happens is, if you are constantly changing your schedule to fit everybody else's priorities in, if you are neglecting your needs, like, need rest. I need to be able to go get groceries. I need to be able to take time just to sort out my thoughts. If you're neglecting your health, let's say that grandma makes amazing pie at Thanksgiving, and she's like, come on, sweetheart. Just have one more piece and you don't want to hurt her feelings, so you take that extra piece of pie, even though your doctor said you were supposed to watch your blood sugar, if you're doing that. And if you are constantly the sounding board for somebody else or feel like you have to keep your mouth shut and not state your opinions so that other people are happy, this is going to be a really great episode for you because I don't want you to feel overwhelmed or resentful or unmotivated. 

I don't want you to be torn between being a good friend or good mom, sister, neighbor, whatever you are, wife, member, coworker, and I don't want you just to avoid work or the holidays so that you don't feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, or stressed out. One of the things I've seen happening recently, yes, on social media, but also in news articles and things like that, is people deciding that it's either all in or all out if I'm in a situation where I feel like people are breaking my boundaries or people are doing things differently than me I don't know how to respond. So my only solution is to cut off my entire family. Now to be clear I'm not talking about if you're in an abusive situation if your parents if your spouse if someone in your life is abusive to you if it is actual honest-to-god narcissistic behavior if they are mentally or emotionally harming you physically harming you, obviously. If any of those things are happening, by all means, cut ties. But if they're just doing it because they're doing things differently than you, if they have a different political opinion, a different viewpoint, a different life experience, there are ways that you can stay connected and work on those relationships and be kind without completely severing all ties. 

What I want you to understand is that when we think about people pleasing and holding boundaries, they don't have to be unkind and they don't have to be all or nothing. The problem isn't that someone is different from you. It's also not that you like to help people or that you want to be a giving person. That doesn't make you a doormat. It's not that you enjoy serving or loving or giving. It's doing it at the expense of your own mental, emotional, and physical health. It's when you people please out of fear or anxiety and its all of the negative thoughts that you think are going to happen, those consequences that may or may not be true if you don't always show up or say yes or prioritize other people over yourselves. 

It's when you try to keep everybody else happy because you're afraid of what will happen if you don't show up early and stay late. If you say no when your calendar is already full, if someone has their hopes up or your heart isn't into it. It's when you notice that you're starting to dread work and resent your spouse or you're too exhausted or distracted or overwhelmed to experience the success or the peace or the confidence and that calm nervous system that you actually want and need to have a successful fourth quarter and to be present at all of those fun holiday celebrations and activities that are waiting for you because they're coming up quick, aren't they? 

This episode is airing in the first week of November. We're in it. Halloween is over. It was just a few days ago and we are in, we're halfway through Q4 or a third of the way through Q4 and we are kind of rolling into the holiday. I want to make sure that you feel calm, that you feel successful, and that you feel able to have fun, be generous, be kind, loving, stay connected, and hold your boundaries. The goal is really to experience the success, the peace, the confidence, and that calm nervous system so that you can have it all. 

So here's what has to happen. The first thing is that you have to know yourself and you have to know your values. You have to understand when your social battery is dying. Mine dies quickly. I go from 100 % to 20 % to zero, like an old iPhone. Like literally it's like I'm good, I'm out, I'm done. And there's no reason for it. It's just that I know that I am an extroverted introvert. I'll go in full bore, but when I'm done, I'm done. I talked about this with my friends the other night at dinner. And I had at least one friend that agreed. I have a lot of friends who are super extroverted who I can't keep up with. I love hanging out with them, but they know that Megan goes to bed early and that's okay.

You have to know your stress triggers. Before I entertain, I feel stressed out. I feel like I have too much to do. I need to get it all done. By the time people arrive, I'm good to go. But I can expect that. I can anticipate it now and I can handle it and say, is just what I do. I know what I need to do instead. I know where I need to focus my thoughts and my energy, and it all works out. You also have to know your core values. For me, that's freedom and flexibility of time. It's part of why I love my job so much.

I'm able to work with clients on times that work for me, that work for them as well. I'm able to work here. I'm able to go down and hang out with my family in Indianapolis or to go to Detroit or Chicago or anywhere else and do my coaching business in a place where I feel inspired So for me, that's a non-negotiable. You have to know what your non-negotiable values are.

And we want to use these as guidelines for your business and for your life to make sure that you are able to be present and to be happy so that you're not thinking about the project that you still have to finish before the end of the year while you're at grandma's house trying to eat delicious pie. Enjoy the pie. Worry about work at work. So how do we do this? 

You have to learn to calm your nervous system. We want to talk about the feelings of nervousness that show up when maybe you're in a social situation or you're getting ready to give that last presentation of the year. Is it about small talk? Do you think, never know what to say, I try to plan it out, but it never works? I have lots of people that come to me saying, I just don't know what to say next. Of course you don't, you haven't had the conversation yet. Is it about meeting new people? Is it about you wondering what they'll think of you or what they'll say? Do they think that you're smart enough? Do they think that you are actually qualified for your job? And what do they know anyway?

So those things about like, do I respond in social situations? Maybe you're energized by meeting new people. Maybe the problem is that you haven't met enough new people and you've got so much energy that you just have to meet someone new, but you think you don't know where to find them. Those are all common things, not necessarily true, but we can absolutely figure out ways to make sure that your nervous system feels calm so that you're able to come up with the solutions that work for you. We have to acknowledge though, the thoughts and then learn to breathe through them so that you can get to the answers without bending over backwards, changing your plans, or people pleasing in the middle of all of that.

So when I started talking about that idea of nervousness in social situations, this could be an idea where somebody has an expectation that you're going to do something and you disagree. And this comes up a lot. I was a teacher for a lot of years and we did lots of secret Santas. And there were years where I thought, I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to go out and buy these silly little things when I'm on a really limited budget. But what I did at that point in time was I said yes and I did it anyway, and then was grouchy and grumbly about it, and it showed. It showed. It always shows. So if you're in a situation where you've agreed to cut back on spending or to have a budget, and you want to be able to bring joy and excitement to people, but instead you say yes, like I did, and you end up in a gift exchange that you don't want to do, what would happen if you said no? What are you afraid would happen if you said no? Because that's the question that you want to ask yourself. Am I being involved in this because someone told me I should, or is it because I actually want to be involved? Because what I want to tell you is that if you decided to say no, you would probably show up to the party where everyone else was exchanging gifts, being present, excited, and really excited to see what everybody else got without feeling bad that you said no. Those are both options. But that idea of people pleasing in that situation and that social situation is being able to state what you think and what you want and not feel guilty about

So recently I was working with a client who was working hard to grow her business and she knew that she needed to meet more new people and she decided that she was gonna start networking and she was gonna go to events but she felt really worked up about it. She was anxious, she had all kinds of thoughts. Are they gonna think I'm too young? Are they gonna think I'm too old? What if they think I don't have any business doing this? They think I'm not qualified. And she wondered what people were saying, what they thought about her and about her business.

She was all up in her head because of all of these anxious thoughts and she held back. When she went to network, she allowed several new clients to choose hours that did not work for her or her family's schedule. So when it was time for her to put her little boys to bed at night, she resented her clients. Like, why should I have to coach them now when I'm trying to put my babies to bed? She resented her business. She thought, this is stupid. I shouldn't even be doing this if I have to work. This is the whole reason I started this business was to be able to be with my kids.

And then she was mad about her business because she broke a boundary and she took clients when she couldn't work. She shamed herself because she broke her own boundaries. So what we need to be able to do is to create those boundaries, set the boundaries and hold them without guilt, shame or resentment. So this really is going to be something that I work through with people when we start talking about boundaries and balance audit.

This is something that I've been doing with people for, gosh, over six months now. It's an incredible audit that allows you to see where you're not holding boundaries and why you're not holding them. So I've taken this and I've turned it into a self-exploratory little survey where you get to do the boundaries and balance audit and see what's coming up for you. We can go over those together if you want, or you can just do them and take a look and I'm gonna be able to help you walk through that. So when you use that audit, you'll be able to say, ⁓ wait, this is why I'm breaking my boundaries. This is where I'm holding boundaries and to be able to move forward.

Another thing that we're going to have inside my new Black Friday bundle is the Calm Communicator Guide. So I want you to think about being at dinner with Aunt Betty. Aunt Betty saw your social media post and she saw what you thought about all of those No Kings marches and she just can't believe that would be your opinion. How is that even possible for you to be in this family and have that opinion? Whether you are thinking right or left right now doesn't matter because the fact is that she's got some questions for you and you don't really feel like Thanksgiving dinner is the time to answer them. And maybe there's other situations like, sweetheart, but why aren't you dating anybody? That nice boy next door, I can introduce you. And you're like, hold up, no wait. All of those situations that come up when we go to those family gatherings, those are coming up too. 

So I created this Calm Communicator Guide that gives you 10 go-to phrases that you can use

with your family members so that you can still have dinner with them, still enjoy the holiday, and shut the conversation down with kindness and without explaining yourself. You don't have to explain why you believe what you believe unless you want to. I'm going to give you some really great short phrases that you can use in those situations to get you off the hook and to keep you connected with the people you love even though you don't want to discuss politics or your relationship status or your job or anything else.

You can do it with kindness without severing those ties. It does not have to be all or nothing. But what I want you to do is to envision the idea of really moving beyond this idea that you have to make everybody else happy, to feel successful and confident at work, and to be present and calm at home. Because the only thing you're doing is making everybody else happy and leaving yourself feeling awful during a season where I want you to feel joy and present and lightness and success.

It's not about doing more. It's not about ditching everyone and everything in your life, but really about calming your nervous system and deciding what brings you joy and what aligns with your Q4 goals, your values, and the holiday season that you actually want to experience. So let's go back to the Black Friday bundle. I already told you about the Calm Communicator script. I told you about the Boundaries and Balance audit. That's going to be a self audit. You're also going to get the Less Overwhelm - More Life audio course. This is a five day audio course. The audios are six to eight minutes long so that you can listen to them while you're commuting to work, while you're in the shower, while you're doing the dishes, you can squeeze them in because I know you've got a lot going on and you do not have time to spend a whole bunch of hours listening to more audio courses. But six to eight minutes a day, you've probably got that somewhere in your schedule.

It's going to give you action steps that you can use in the moment to take things off of your calendar and to set boundaries without guilt. It's also going to give you some sprinkling of journal prompts that you can use to help you work through some of the thoughts that are causing you to keep putting things on your schedule or break your boundaries. This goes hand in hand with that audit. It's the perfect compliment to the audit to help you start moving forward now so that you, by the end of five days, you're like, whoa, I have more time.

I don't feel as overwhelmed. That's the whole point of that audio course and it is part of that Black Friday bundle. You're also going to get a 30 Day Calm Countdown calendar. This is a daily five minute journal prompt to help you feel more resilient and to get help you get clear on your vision for the new year. This is going to lead right into a free admission to a masterclass that I'm doing in December, A Cozy Guide to Sustainable Goals without

throwing everything into January 1st, which is really honestly the worst time of year that you could ever try to set a resolution or a goal. Let's not do that. Let's use our natural energy to be successful instead of starting the year at a time when we should be getting slow and intentional and build up to the success that you want because you really can have it without overworking, without freaking out, without people pleasing and breaking your boundaries. 

So, Here's what needs to happen for you to move beyond people pleasing so that you can actually feel successful and confident at work so that you can be present and calm at home. Remember, it's not about doing more. It's not about keeping everybody else happy or ditching everything and everybody. It's about calming your nervous system. so you can decide what brings you joy, what brings you closer to the holiday season and the Q4 that you want without sacrificing your sanity, your values, or your time.

It's all there. It's all waiting for you. That Black Friday bundle is available right now until Black Friday. You can grab it now. The link will be in the show notes. It's a fantastic deal. I cannot wait to hear what you think of it. And in the meantime, if I don't talk to you beforehand, I will be back again next week for another episode. Take care.