More Than Anxiety

Ep 116 - Do You Deserve To Feel Good? - Prioritizing Self-Care.

• Megan Devito • Episode 116

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Have you ever wondered why self-care feels like an indulgence rather than a necessity? In this episode, Megan Devito discusses the importance of self-care and challenges listeners to challenge their beliefs about deserving time to take care of themselves. 

She talks about common feelings and emotions, such as guilt, selfishness, and overwhelm, that keep people from prioritizing self-care. Megan emphasizes the importance of daily habits and offers practical advice on overcoming limiting beliefs and developing a sustainable self-care routine that works!

Key Points:

  • Self-worth and deservingness: Understanding the underlying beliefs that stop people from taking time for self-care including guilt, selfishness, overwhelm, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
  • The importance of daily habits: Building a foundation of self-care through consistent actions and routines that make self-care part of your daily routine.
  • The benefits of self-care: Improved mental health, increased energy, and better relationships at home and at work.
  • Overcoming limiting beliefs: Strategies for challenging negative thoughts and embracing positive affirmations.

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You know you're overwhelmed, burned out, sick to death of work but also trying to do everyting for everyone at home. TAKE THIS QUIZ to find out why you're so overwhelmed and what to do about it.

Megan Devito:

Welcome to the More Than Anxiety Podcast. I'm Megan Devito and I help ambitious women break out of the anxiety cycle that keeps them frustrated and stuck. Get ready for a lighthearted approach that will change what you think, how you feel and what you believe about yourself. This podcast is full of simple steps, a lot of truth, talk and inspiration to take action. So you walk away feeling confident, calm and inspiration to take action. So you walk away feeling confident, calm and ready to live. Let's get to it.

Megan Devito:

Hey there, welcome to episode 116 of the More Than Anxiety podcast. As always, I am so excited that you decided to spend your time here with me this week. I want to talk about if you actually believe that you deserve to feel good and take care of yourself and that might sound like a silly question because your instant answer is probably like well, of course I do, but just because you think, it doesn't always mean you believe it. And I really want to challenge that this week and talk about a call that I had with a coaching client that I'm working with. So if we've not met before, my name is Megan. I am a life coach. I help women deal with stress, anxiety and overwhelm so that they can work those feelings out of their bodies, think clearly and move forward in their life to do what they want to do. For some people, that is, hang out with their kids, be present and not be completely overwhelmed and feeling completely anxious. For other people, that's like, no, I am really trying to climb this ladder. I have places I am going, but my brain keeps sabotaging me. So we learn to calm your body so that you can calm your mind and start taking steps towards whatever it is that you want. I talk a lot about stress, anxiety and overwhelm on this podcast, and today I'm going to talk about how those feelings inside your body can actually keep you stuck, even when you want to feel good. So let's go back to that question: Do you think that you deserve to feel good and take care of yourself? I said it seems basic and it is, but let me just tell you about the client that I mentioned a minute ago. I've been working her with a little while. She is doing amazing, but I wanted to kind of time travel back to when we first started because they came to me, this person came to me to help her develop some habits that would allow her to feel better, like to have a little more energy, to feel more positive.

Megan Devito:

She was dealing with some depression and things like that, and we talked about all the things that she wanted. We talked about the goals that she had for herself, and she set some really perfect goals. They weren't too big, they weren't too small, they were totally achievable. And when we started working on these goals, I noticed that she would back out, or she would have a reason why, 'oh yeah, I didn't do that this week.' It was, you know, it felt like too hard. You know it felt like too hard and a lot of times we would get stuck in this kind of cycle of I want it and I'm just, I don't know something's wrong, and there were a lot of really big emotions involved in this. So that's really the foundation of where this podcast came from and where this episode idea came from.

Megan Devito:

So I want to start by really letting you know that, if that sounds like you, if you're like, yeah, I totally want this and I don't know, like I don't know what the problem is, stick with me. We're going to go there..

Megan Devito:

his let's talk about some really common reasons why it might be hard for you to take care of yourself or to get where you want to go. One of the most common reasons that women experience in particular is guilt for just taking time for themselves. If we look at the amount of time that guys take for themselves, and I'm not counting work here, right, because a lot of times if you're in like a more traditional household setting, women tend to work inside the home and so they wake up, they're with the kids. They get the kids to bed. They like take, you know, get the kitchen cleaned up, do whatever they do finish the housework, whatever's happening in their day, maybe watch a little bit of TV, and they're spent. And every second of their day has been with either doing things to keep the house together or, doing things to take care of the kids, or doing things to clean up or to spend time with their husband.

Megan Devito:

But the time they actually spend doing things that might be a break or totally focused on them can be really, really low; like 10 minutes a day! And yeah, 10 minutes is better than no minutes. And I'm not saying that you don't potentially enjoy the time that you spend with your kids or your spouse or anyone else. That's not it. But it's also really important that you're scheduling that time for yourself, and so when you are looking at saying no, this time is mine for some women, guilt seeps in and it's like you know what I really need to spend that time with my husband or my wife or my boyfriend or my girlfriend or my kids. You know what this person really needs this from me at work. So we feel guilty and then we say yes, instead of saying yes to time that would actually benefit us a little bit.

Megan Devito:

The other thing that can happen is that you might feel selfish. You might feel selfish for saying I need this time. Why should I have this time when other people don't? That's something that I hear a lot on coaching calls. I mean, I just I know I'm so lucky, I'm so blessed to have these things in my life. I shouldn't I just shouldn't feel like I need that. I'm just being selfish. No, these are just behaviors that we learned, sometimes with the very best intentions, when we were kids, like it's great to give to other people. It is. It feels amazing. But sometimes we learn that, even with genuine care and compassion for other people, that somewhere along the line we picked up the message that but don't take any time for ourselves. Just wait for somebody else to give that to you. I'm just here to challenge that and say that's not working out for any of us and it's time that we make a switch.

Megan Devito:

Another thing that can happen when you're a kid is you might have had some sort of trauma that really made you think that you didn't deserve to take care of yourself, and if that happened, that is definitely something that I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist and talk with them about. If you learned that you did not deserve that time or to take care of yourself. Maybe you have some really like a negative viewpoints about what you think you actually deserve as a human. Oh, please, please, please, take time to talk with someone about that, because I already know that you're amazing. I already believe that you are worthy and that you deserve these things, but if you had some abuse or some neglect or something really heavy, please take time to take care of yourself with that.

Megan Devito:

Another reason that you might struggle to prioritize self-care or to take care of yourself is because you feel overwhelmed by everything that's on your calendar and on your shelves and in your life and the responsibilities. And, 'oh my gosh, the holidays are coming', 'but we have a birthday and we've got to play and we've got sports and we've got all of these different things'. 'How am I going to get this done?' 'There's a project at work.' That's a lot. That is a lot to figure out. So if you feel overwhelmed by responsibilities, self-care might take a back seat. Now let's be clear here. We can't always have a perfect balance, right. It's not like every single day, this is my balance, because things pop up and life is busy and it's going to throw curveballs at you. But if part of the problem is that you don't have any boundaries around your time or your space and you are just taking on all the new responsibilities to keep everyone else happy, that's not going to work. It's not sustainable. It has to be something where you're also taking time for yourself.

Megan Devito:

Another thing that I hear from a lot of people is that you know what, I don't have time for that kind of stuff. Who do you think I am? It's kind of a luxury, isn't it? It's not necessary. It's really, really not necessary for me to do that, to take that time. I mean, I'm so lucky to have these other things. Taking care of yourself is not a luxury, and I'm going to argue as we move through this episode that it actually makes you more capable of helping other people. And because most people really do enjoy helping other people, that's a great thing. The more you help yourself, the more you have to give to other people. But if you decide that you don't deserve to have that time to yourself, it's really hard to be able to give it to somebody else. It's the whole foundation of you can't pour from an empty cup. You have to keep your cup filled.

Megan Devito:

And again, if we go back to the next reason, it's really that you feel unlovable, or you feel like you have that low, low self-worth which kind of circle backs to the idea that you might have had some stuff happen in your past. Maybe you don't even remember what it is. But if you feel like you're unlovable, if you feel like you aren't worth anything, please talk to somebody and get some help, because you absolutely deserve to take care of yourself and you are worth it. And I'm just going to tell you this over and over and over again. If that sounds like you, if you truly believe that you're not worth taking care of or that nobody loves you. It's not true. I know it feels, really true. I know you can feel that really inside your body. But I'm going to tell you that that is why therapy is so important. And if you are looking to piggyback therapy and coaching, I work with therapists all the time and help them create the habits for their clients. We kind of piggyback off each other. Then I'll say, if they say, hey, yeah, you can talk to my therapist, then it's something where it's like, yeah, what did you work on in therapy? How can I back you up with actions, how can I back you up with beliefs and do things like that? Therapy and coaching work really, really well together, if that's an option for you.

Megan Devito:

So there are some things that people do that they call self-care, that are really kind of fluff and buff, or maybe like occasional occurrences that like, oh, it's a self-care day. And one of those things is that really super typical spa day. I went to the spa. It was a self-care day, 100% Go to the spa.

Megan Devito:

But if that's something that you're doing like once a month or once every six months, it's just like a mini vacation, but I don't know that I would call it self-care. It is, in a sense, that you might be doing something to take care of yourself. It might feel really good and you're getting time and that's amazing. That's really what you want you to have. But if you're considering spa days and vacations without looking at your day-to-day habits, you're taking a big break but then coming back to chaos and what we really want to look at.

Megan Devito:

What I really help people do is look at their daily habits to make that self-care part of your everyday life, so that it doesn't have to be a special occasion thing or something where you have to go spend $200 at a spa, or who knows how much money on a vacation. It's really about addressing the things that you're doing, whether it's trying to be perfect, not holding boundaries, telling yourself that you don't deserve the time, feeling guilty or selfish or anything else. Let's look at those problems and solve those problems.

Megan Devito:

So another thing that I see that people do to call it, you know, and call it self-care. It's just creating really unhealthy coping mechanisms, things like, oh my God, I'm so stressed out, I'm going to go buy a bag of Oreos, I'm going to eat a whole bag of Oreos. Or you know what I need today. I'm just going to drop everything, screw it, I'm going to go to Target and I'm just going to go through Target and then you leave with like a giant cart of things that you have no idea why you bought it when you got home.

Megan Devito:

Tell me I'm not the only person, because one of the things I've noticed for myself is that if I am starting to get really anxious, I have a really deep-seated need to go buy a new white shirt or a new black shirt. Really only white or black, very rarely is it anything else. You should see my closet guys. I have a lot of white shirts and black shirts, but I notice that I get that little happy feeling, that retail therapy feeling, and it's not a joke! It makes you feel good for a little short amount of time. So that is another thing that you might notice.

Megan Devito:

So overeating, as in, I'm emotional and I'm eating, so I'm emotionally eating, which is a huge problem for a lot of people. It contributes to a lot of eating disorders, whether it is obesity or, on the opposite end, they notice that when they're really, really stressed, they can't eat at all, and if they're stressed long enough, they start to lose too much weight or they start to stress over their weight. All of these things get very, very tied together. So overeating or emotional eating, excessive shopping, mommy, wine time and I'm just going to tell you right now that when my kids were little, before this whole sober culture snuck in, I actually had wine time in the afternoon and in hindsight I'm not very proud of that.

Megan Devito:

Do I still drink wine? Of course, every Friday I go and I have a glass of wine with my dad and my mom, and it's great. It's like my Friday tradition. I go have a glass of wine with my parents. I'm not telling you never to drink a glass of wine. What I am telling you is that if you drink wine every day when you get home from work, or if you come home and you grab a shot of whiskey or a little glass of bourbon if you're a guy and you're like, Man, I'm coming home and I have bourbon on the rocks or anything else, or gotta come home and have a beer, that is an unhealthy coping mechanism. I'm not telling you never to drink again. I'm telling you to like, not do it, to try to feel better. That's the difference there.

Megan Devito:

Another thing that you might notice that can be really common is that you're very tired during the day because you're trying to do so much, but you're also sleeping too much. So for a lot of people they'll tell me I'm not sleeping well, and that can be true, because you can get a lot of sleep that's not beneficial, or you cannot get enough sleep because you are tossing and turning, you're overthinking things in the middle of the night. But if you notice that you are sleeping like 9, 10, 11 hours a day and you're still exhausted, we need to really take a look at what you're doing, to take care of yourself so that, one, you're not exhausted during the day, that you're sleeping better at night, but also that you're sleeping less, because too much sleep will continue to make you tired. And sometimes, when we're sleeping too much, it's to avoid thoughts, feelings or emotions or anything else that's going on in your life, and the easiest way to do that is to sleep.

Megan Devito:

I'm also guilty of this one. Back when I was in college and I was dealing with probably the worst anxious period of my life. I slept a lot. I mean, I would go to bed super early and sleep and then get up, and if I felt anxious again, I would just go right back to sleep because it was the only time I didn't feel anxious. If this sounds like you, you're going to get more and more tired. And every time you wake up you're going to be anxious because you're not dealing with the thing that's causing the anxiety. Personal experience here. I'm just telling you that is something that I dealt with all the way through college because I didn't have another way to deal with it.

Megan Devito:

So let's talk about some benefits of how I can help you through coaching and what coaching can do to help you really figure out one that you do deserve to feel good and that you can believe it. Because it's kind of like with affirmations when you can say I am rich, I am healthy, I am smart, I am kind, and if you don't believe those things and you just say them over and over again, they're not doing any good. Affirmations are great when you believe them or if you're using them to create a new belief, but if you're just muttering, I am beautiful, I am beautiful, and in the back of your mind I'm like I'm ugly, I can't even believe I'm saying this. This is such garbage, it's not working. It's not working. You can tell yourself you're a millionaire a million times, but if your other thought underneath is except for, I have $0 in my bank, yeah, that's not going to help you. We have to change those beliefs.

Megan Devito:

So when you're working with a coach, which is, I want to circle back to the client that I've been working with. We had been working a lot on how she was dealing with some anxiety, a little bit of depression, in conjunction with some other habits that she had, so that she could start to feel better and take care of herself, and what we had to tackle first was her believing that she deserved to feel good. Now I have to appreciate this, because one of the things that is really important when you're coaching with somebody is that you say what you think. And what I mean by that is, please don't filter your thoughts. It's okay, you're not going to tell me anything that I have not heard before. I can, like a 99%, guarantee you that, one because I taught high school for 15 years and I've heard just about everything, and two, because you would be surprised at some of the things that different clients have said. So there's very little that you can say that's going to shock or upset me. So what I need is, I need honesty, and when you can be honest and say I don't believe it at all, I don't believe I deserve to feel good, that's when we can be serious.

Megan Devito:

And so this point in time happened with that client and she was very vocal about it. She's like no, I don't think I deserve to feel good. I was like wait a second, what? You don't think you deserve it. She said, no, I don't deserve it. And so we talked a little bit more and we worked through those thoughts and when that happens we can start looking at why don't you believe that? Tell me what's going on there. Why don't you believe that? Well, it was this, it was that.

Megan Devito:

But what we want to do is we want to look at your thoughts, we want to look at your behaviors. So when you think I'm a disaster or I'm a hot mess, I can't tell you how many times I just want to scream when I see people say, oh my God, I'm such a mess, I'm such a disaster. No, you're not! Stop saying it, because the more you say it, the more you believe it. And if that's what's coming out of your mouth, that tells me that you don't believe that you're together enough to actually do something. If you're saying it, there's a part of you that believes it. So I'm going to start catching you on the things that you say, and say, hey, tell me what you said, tell me why you meant that.

Megan Devito:

So we're going to come up with some personalized strategies, based on what you tell me, to help you manage the stress or the anxiety that's happening inside your body. We're going to figure out what works specifically for you. Every single client I work with learns and does and is successful in a different way. That's why it works. Because it's not some, this is step one. Everybody's going to do the same thing. Let me give you an example of this. If I told you the best and only way to feel less anxious was to focus on your breath, I would say that over half of the clients that I work with would be miserable and it wouldn't work. Here's why. Some people are sensitive to how they breathe, and if how you breathe makes you feel anxious, me telling you to focus more on your breath isn't going to help you. So let's find something that does help. Let's get real personal with this. What do you think and what can we do to calm your body down first.

Megan Devito:

Another thing that you get when you work with a coach to help you start to believe that you deserve to feel good is the support in developing new habits and accountability to back those things up. So, working through the habits and the thoughts that you have and that you depend on now, that are keeping you doing the same things over and over again, things that keep you saying yes to things that you don't want to say yes to. Things that you believe about yourself or what you think other people think about you, that make you think you have to keep doing things until what you believe is absolutely perfect. Let's look through those habits and those thoughts and figure out what do you really want to do and what would perfect mean? What would good enough mean? What, if good enough, is actually perfect. And let's create some new habits and then to have that back support where it's like, ah, did you follow through? What were you thinking that made you not follow through, or what were you thinking that let you follow through this time. That's amazing.

Megan Devito:

irst thing is walking with you while you learn how to manage the emotions that come up and the changes that might be challenging for you, Because feeling big emotions if you've not done that in the past, can be really hard and it can bring a lot of stuff up. So let's start by figuring out, can you even tell me what emotion you feel? Sometimes we have to dig out an emotion wheel and be like, hey, here's this wheel. Of all these different emotions, which one do you actually feel? Because if you're used to saying I feel bad, I feel anxious, yeah, what else do you feel? Guilt? Do you feel disappointment? Do you feel anger? Do you feel embarrassment? Do you feel love? All of those things can be stuck in there. Let's just figure out what you're really feeling so you can decide what you want to do with it. What do you think made you feel that way: which, by the way, it's always your thought that makes you feel that way. So let's figure out what you're thinking and then find the truth, and then let's start creating some new habits that get you what you want.

Megan Devito:

I'm going to help you come up with the next step when you're not sure what to do, because a lot of times when your brain feels a big emotion, it's going to say I don't know. I don't know what to do. But when we slow down and say, okay, what if you did know? What if you did know? Let's just pretend for a minute that you might know. Then, a lot of times, people come up with an answer that they like or what would you tell your brother to do? Or your best friend, or your mom? Uh-oh, well, I would tell them this. But I'd tell this person this. Okay, what would you tell yourself? Let's find the right answer for you. Again, not for them. For you, what's going to work for you?

Megan Devito:

You also get guidance in helping you overcome those limiting beliefs about what your worth is. So you get to find evidence that you are worthy of taking a break, that you deserve to be able to just go out and take an hour-long walk every day if you want, or rest, or why it's okay for somebody else to do the dishes, why your kids can do their own laundry without guilt, without shame, feeling actually really, really good about it. So that you get a break, so that you are taking care of yourself. This is so important. You have more energy to do fun things, to help them regulate their emotions, to help other people succeed, to give when you take care of yourself. So let's find evidence that you are actually worthy of taking care of yourself first. Then we're going to find reasons that you're already successful and let's celebrate every tiny step forward, every step.

Megan Devito:

We're also going to come up with tools to help you manage your time and to have boundaries around your energy and your time and take an honest look at where you spend your time or your money or your energy, and decide what you want to do, or maybe even what you need to do instead of what you're doing right now to keep everybody else happy. How can you help make yourself happy too? Let me just say that some people say I have the right to feel happy and maybe, but you know what Happy comes from who you are and who you're being and what you believe, and it's a process. It's okay not to feel happy. It's okay to feel frustrated with yourself right now If you're like, yeah, except I'm so frustrated I have no idea how to start, I don't even know if I could do this. Yeah, that's okay.

Megan Devito:

Those emotions can be really motivating. Jealousy can be motivating. I'm so jealous of this person. They take time every single day to do that. Great, let's use it! Why are you jealous? Jealousy is actually a really motivating emotion for some people when you get to the bottom of why they feel it, so let's go there.

Megan Devito:

When you start doing this, there are so many positive outcomes, not just for you, but for everybody else. You get to feel confident and have higher self-esteem, which is amazing. We want everybody feeling confident, because when you feel confident, you go do things that change your life and other people's lives. Please, let's do more of that. You're more resilient, so the next time a challenge comes up, you don't immediately crumble. You're like okay, I can do this. Hard things just start to feel easier and the changes that you want to make start happening faster because you have more resilience.

Megan Devito:

You're not snapping and stressed, so you're not arguing with your spouse or your coworkers. You're not avoiding people, because you feel more relaxed and you're confident enough to have those conversations and solve problems. You're not so tired; one because you're not sleeping as much, but you're getting really good quality sleep for the right amount of time, so you have more energy, so that you're less stressed out. You're dealing with your emotions instead of sleeping them away. That's a big deal.

Megan Devito:

What would you do with all that extra energy. Have you ever thought about that? What would I do if I actually felt good and confident and I had all that extra energy and the extra time? You're going to be more successful at home and at work because you're sharper, you can think clearly and you start asking for what you want and what you believe that you actually deserve. So you say yes, please, to this, and absolutely not no, thank you, to what's not for you. So you have a lot more fun and a lot more time to enjoy your life, which is incredible More fun, more energy, more time. What would you do with that? Really, what would you do if you had more fun, more energy and more time on your hand? That's what comes when you start taking care of yourself.

Megan Devito:

So I want to ask you again, do you really believe that you deserve to feel good, and what are you willing to change in what you do? What can you change in what you do, or in what you say about yourself, or in what you say that you want and in what you believe, so that you can actually believe it 100% and not just want to believe it? Because there's a difference between wanting to believe it and actually believing it, if you're ready to go, if you're like, what am I willing to do? I'm willing to go all in. This is me. I want this right now. Awesome, let's talk. You can message me on Instagram, on LinkedIn, you can go to my website, which is just www. megandevitocom, and say hey, I gotta talk with you right now. Let's set up time to talk and do a free coaching consultation.

Megan Devito:

We're going to talk about what's keeping you stuck where you want to go and what you want your life to look like. Like, what would it look like to have self-care? What kind of self-care do you want? What do you not want? Maybe you're like don't ever sign me up for a massage, I don't want anybody to touch me. Cool, we don't have to do that.

Megan Devito:

Let's find out what works for you. Let's find out what kind of time you want, how you want to feel with your kids at work. How confident do you want to feel? Where do you feel like you're just not holding it together. It's all available to you, but you have to decide that you deserve it first. Do you deserve to take care of yourself? If the answer is yes, I will talk to you very soon. And if your answer is, Hey, you know what? I'm not sure yet. That's okay too, because I will be back again next week. Take care.

Megan Devito:

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the More Than Anxiety podcast. Before you go, be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well. And, of course, if you're ready to feel calm, to stop overthinking and have a lot more fun, you can go to the show notes, click the link and talk to me about coaching. I'll talk to you soon.